Do you ever feel as if you and your partner are navigating the world differently, or maybe speaking different emotional languages? This experience, while common in many relationships, can take on a new depth when neurodiversity enters the picture - not because something is wrong, but because different ways of processing, relating, and communicating are at play.

Understanding how our unique neurological makeup meets with our fundamental human need for connection, or attachment strategy, might help us understand how people seek intimacy, safety, and connection in relationships.

This blog explores how attachment strategies may present in neurodiverse relationships, how misunderstandings frequently happen, and how both partners can move towards better connection and compassion.

A Quick Look at Attachment Strategy

Attachment theory, first developed by Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, describes the strong emotional attachments we build as a result of early caregiver relationships, which create internal 'working models' for how we navigate intimacy, seek comfort, and deal with stress in adult relationships (Bowlby, 1969). These patterns are often referred to as attachment styles or strategies. They are not set features; rather, they are adaptive responses and/or strategies that influence how we deal with conflict, express affection, and interpret others’ behaviors in romantic relationships.

Our attachment patterns, while nuanced, are often described in four general types (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007):

· Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and independence, trusting, and able to communicate needs effectively.

· Anxious (preoccupied): Desires closeness but fears abandonment, often needing significant reassurance due to underlying anxieties about relational security.

· Avoidant (dismissive): Values independence, often downplays close relationships and emotional needs.

· Disorganized (Dismissive-Avoidant): Desires intimacy but feels unsafe with closeness, leading to confusing or ambivalent behaviours in relationships.

When Neurodiversity Meets Attachment

While neurodiversity does not automatically equate to insecure attachment, research suggests some neurodivergent individuals may face unique challenges that can increase the likelihood of developing insecure attachment patterns. This is usually not because of the neurotype itself but because of how the traits of neurodivergent individuals interact with their surroundings, both in the past and present, which may not have been supportive or understanding (Dubnover & Mottron, 2022; Høyland et al., 2021).

Let's see a scenario of Ben and Sally, a cisgender, heterosexual couple. Ben is a neurotypical individual with an anxious attachment strategy, whereas Sally is a neurodivergent individual, with a secure attachment strategy, yet she often needs time alone to recharge. Ben may want constant reassurance and emotional intimacy, which often overwhelm Sally.

This dynamic pattern often leads to a pattern of pursue and withdraw (Johnson, 2004): “The more the anxious partner increases bids for connection, sensing emotional distance, the more the other partner feels overwhelmed and retreats further. Both feel misunderstood, even though both are acting from self-protection.”

Some other scenarios are:

· Social Communication & Attunement: Differences in processing social cues, understanding non-verbal communication, or expressing needs verbally, common in ASD/C and sometimes ADHD, can impact early and ongoing relational attunement. If caregivers or partners consistently misinterpret these differences, it can inadvertently hinder the development or maintenance of secure attachment bonds (Bird & Cook, 2013).

· Alexithymia: Difficulty identifying and describing one's own emotions, known as alexithymia, has a higher prevalence among some neurodivergent populations, particularly autistic individuals. This can pose challenges for emotional intimacy and understanding within relationships, potentially impacting attachment security if not navigated with awareness (Kinnaird et al., 2019).

· Sensory Processing & Regulation: Increased sensory sensitivities can mean that typical expressions of affection or closeness feel overwhelming, leading to withdrawal that might be misinterpreted as rejection or avoidance rather than a need for regulation (Dellapiazza et al., 2021). Similarly, differences in emotional regulation styles can impact relationship dynamics and feelings of security.

· Executive Functioning: Some neurodivergent individuals may struggle with executive functions (such as planning, staying consistent, and controlling impulses), which can impact their relationships and cause anxiety in their partners if these issues are not recognised as part of ADHD (Høyland et al., 2021).

These dynamics can be distressing—but understanding them through an attachment-informed and neurodivergent-affirming lens can help couples move from blame to empathy.

Nurturing Connection: Evidence-Informed Strategies

Building secure, fulfilling neurodiverse relationships benefits from strategies that acknowledge both attachment needs and neurological differences:

1. Cultivate Mutual Understanding: Actively learn about neurodiversity and each other’s unique characteristics. Practice perspective-taking—seeking to understand the why behind behaviours and recognising that intent and impact can differ. This aligns with fostering mentalisation, which is crucial for a secure attachment (Fonagy et al., 2002).

2. Prioritise Explicit Communication: Given potential differences in interpreting implicit cues, make communication clear, direct, and unambiguous. Explicitly state needs, boundaries, and feelings. Regularly scheduled 'check-ins' can create a predictable space for this (inspired by Gottman Method principles often used alongside EFT, Johnson, 2004).

3. Adapt to Sensory and Regulatory Needs: Work together to create environments and interactions that respect sensory limits. Understand and plan for regulation needs (e.g., needing quiet time after social events). This proactive approach supports co-regulation and minimises potential attachment-related misunderstandings.

4. Validate and Repair: Actively validate each other's emotional experiences, even when they differ. Since misunderstandings are likely, prioritise repairing relational ruptures quickly and effectively – apologising, taking responsibility, and reconnecting are key (Johnson, 2004).

5. Leverage Strengths: Recognize and appreciate the unique strengths neurodivergent individuals bring to relationships, such as loyalty, honesty, unique perspectives, or intense focus (when channeled positively).

How Therapy Supports Neurodiverse Couples

Therapy can help couples explore their emotional patterns, unmet needs, and communication habits in a safe, structured way. For neurodiverse couples, it’s essential to work with a therapist who is both trauma-informed and neurodivergent-affirming.

Some effective approaches may include Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT), which helps couples identify and shift unhelpful emotional cycles (Johnson, 2008), Polyvagal-informed therapy, which considers nervous system regulation and sensory processing (Porges, 2011), and practical strategies for executive functioning and sensory management (e.g., using shared calendars, scripts, or time-outs).

Therapy isn’t about “fixing” a person—it’s about co-creating a relationship model that respects both partners' ways of being.

Final Thoughts

Love doesn’t need to be conventional to be healthy. Neurodiverse relationships, like all relationships, thrive on mutual understanding, empathy, and effort. By integrating insights from attachment theory and neurodiversity research, couples can better navigate their unique dynamics, appreciate their differences, and build deeply secure and satisfying connections. It’s about learning to speak and understand each other’s unique heart language.

At RE:ignite Psychotherapy, we are dedicated to journeying with neurodiverse individuals and couples who want to feel more connected, understood, and empowered. Whether you’re facing difficulties or simply want to deepen your relationship, we’re here to help you reconnect—with yourself and each other.

References:

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.
Bird, G., & Cook, R. (2013). Mixed emotions: The contribution of alexithymia to the emotional symptoms of autism. Translational Psychiatry, 3(7), e285.
Dubnover, S., & Mottron, L. (2022). Attachment Insecurity in Autistic Adults: Review, Clinical Implications and Intervention. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 30(4), 238-251.
Dellapiazza, F., Michelon, C., Vernhet, C., et al. (2021). Sensory processing related to problematic behaviors in children with autism spectrum disorder. Journal of Experimental Psychopathology, 12(2). [Note: Adapt findings for adult context or find specific adult studies].
Kinnaird, E., Stewart, C., & Tchanturia, K. (2019). Investigating alexithymia in autism: A systematic review and meta-analysis. European Psychiatry, 55, 80-89.
Høyland, A. L., Larsen, K. R., & Pihlstrøm, L. (2021). Adults with ADHD: Attachment Patterns, Relationship Satisfaction and Mental Health. Journal of Attention Disorders, 25(14), 2009-2020.
Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect regulation, mentalization, and the development of the self. Other Press.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (2nd ed.). Brunner-Routledge
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.