Every relationship—whether romantic, familial, or professional—has an invisible emotional piggy bank. Every text we send, every meaningful conversation we have… these are deposits 📥. On the other hand, scrolling through social media mid-conversation, smirking at a partner's morning chaos, or lobbing a rushed criticism—those are withdrawals 📤.

Most of us are running on emotional overdraft without even realizing it. Life gets busy with careers, mortgages, deadlines, laundry piles, and ….somewhere in the middle of it all, we forget to actually connect with the person who matters most.

So, how about you, when was the last time you made an emotional "deposit"?

How Full Is Your Piggy Bank?

No, we're not talking about dollars 💵 and cents here! We're talking about emotional piggy banks, also known as emotional bank accounts. It's a concept made popular by relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman.

Just like your financial bank account, this metaphor represents the trust, goodwill, and positive feelings built up between two individuals through daily interactions. Think of it this way: every interaction with someone close, such as your partner, sibling, best friend, or colleague, is either a deposit or a withdrawal. Small kindnesses? Deposits 💵. Criticism or emotional absence? Withdrawals 💸. The goal is maintaining a healthy balance ⚖️ where deposits outweigh withdrawals; the more, the better.

And, just like with a real piggy bank, you can't withdraw anything if you haven’t made a deposit.

Gottman's research with over 3,000 couples found that relationships tend to thrive when there's a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions (Gottman & Levenson, 1999). This means for every criticism, smirk, or dismissive comment, you need five positive interactions to keep things balanced! Research by Bartle-Haring et al. (2024) shows that couples who maintain healthy emotional bank accounts experience higher relationship satisfaction, better conflict resolution, increased emotional resilience during tough times, and stronger communication patterns.

But,… what does an emotional deposit actually look like?

While we can write love letters or make 3-hour calls during our free time, we can't wait for the "right" time to make the deposit, can we?

So, what can we do? Take the plunge…

Send a quick "Hope your client meeting goes well" text.
Actually put your phone down when he/she's venting about his/her coworker.
Say "Thank you for buying the groceries" instead of just assuming it'll get done.
Ask, "How are you feeling about tomorrow's deadline?" and actually listen.
Laugh over a silly joke.

What About the Withdrawals?

Often unintentional, especially when deadlines pile up and stress levels jump.

Snapping because of stress—at the wrong person.
Canceling plans (again!).
Treating conversations like checklists.
Bringing work stress into every discussion
Comparing workloads (“At least you don’t have to…”)
Multitasking during conversations because "there's just so much to do"

Last but not least, it's not about grand romantic gestures or expensive date nights. Instead, it's the simple and consistent positive actions over time that create stronger and more resilient relationships.

"Are We Just Roommates?"

piggybank with a mask — Cleo and Cain (*names changed for confidentiality*), both in their early 30s and working in demanding jobs, came in confused and frustrated.
They have been together for over 5½ years, rarely fought, and yet felt emotionally distance. She described their relationship as a series of task updates: "Pay the bill?", "Get the milk?", "Pick up the dry cleaning?". He added, "We're not fighting, so why do I feel so disconnected 😵‍💫?"

As we explored the pattern of their relationship, something became clear: the emotional piggy bank was almost empty. They'd been making withdrawals and seldom depositing new "coins". Late-night work, mindless scrolling during dinner, and a lack of meaningful interaction had drained their reserves. They weren't hurting each other, but they weren't attuning to each other either. It was emotional neglect by omission.

They agreed to experiment with adding small yet constant "deposits" to their piggy bank: goodnight kisses, thoughtful texts, and stopping the phone scrolling when in conversation. While skeptical at the start, they began to notice the shift—not overnight, but steadily. They noticed how they had slowly reconnecting, moving from "roommates" to partners again. It wasn't grand romantic gestures. It was the intentionality and consistency.

Simple Ways to Make Emotional Deposits

Before making any deposits, first learn your partner’s love language: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, or Physical Touch (from Dr. Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages, 1995).

Understanding each other's primary love language can help you make deposits that truly resonate. Have fun exploring each other's love language by taking the quiz here https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

Then, try these:

🎉 Celebrate each other's wins: even the small ones...especially the small ones!!!

🎯 Be intentional and consistent: Random acts of kindness are nice. Regular ones are powerful.

👂 Active Listening Deposits: Put devices away during conversations. Make eye contact. Reflect back what you heard before responding.

📈 Small Gesture Tracker: Notice one small way to show care daily! Making coffee, sending an encouraging text, or giving an unexpected hug.

🤝 Conflict Navigation: During disagreements, remember your shared emotional account. Take breaks if the balance feels low, and return with curiosity rather than criticism.

💫 Morning Connections: Send a supportive text before an important meeting or a simple eye contact and smile when saying goodbye.

🔗 Togetherness: Try doing activity together

Remember, you don't need to be perfect, you just need to be present!

Curious to Try?

Try this: 5-on-5 Emotional Deposits

For the next 5 days, start an "Appreciation Piggy bank".

What you need: a small jar 🫙 and slips of paper 🗒️.

The how: Every time one of you does something kind and/or you feel grateful for something your partner did, write it down and put it in the jar (remember, the actions could be as simple as thoughtful messages, buying "that" favorite breakfast, or a quick goodnight kiss).

At the end of the week, sit down together and read them out.

Then ask yourself: Did anything shift?

You might not notice it right away, but how about making it a ritual? See how the magic works. Notice changes in your emotional piggy bank. Small and consistent deposits create lasting transformation.

Tip: Don’t stress if you miss a day; just continue the next day.

Focus on consistency over perfection!

Just like saving for your financial future, investing in your emotional piggy bank builds long-term relationship wealth. Start today. Make one small deposit. Your future self & your relationship will thank you.

What deposit will you make today?

Bartle-Haring, S., Hu, J., Mion, L., & Ash, M. (2024). The Interaction of Positive and Negative Relationship Characteristics and Their Association with Relationship and Individual Health Outcomes in Older Couples. Behavioral sciences (Basel, Switzerland), 14(11), 1017. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs14111017

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1999). How stable is marital interaction over time? Family Process, 38(2), 159-165. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1999.00159.x

Chapman, G. D. (1995). The five love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Northfield Publishing.